Before and Now

Whoa.

That's right. One year ago, my time on the other side of the world was rapidly coming to an end. I've been back stateside for over 10 months now. And what of it? What's happened?

Well, I went back to college. I got a job. I lived at home again. I participated as an active member of UCO. WOW, MY LIFE IS SO DIFFERENT THAN BEFORE MY GAP YEAR.

But really, somehow it is.

Recently, I've been feeling stuck. Stuck, if not reverting back to my old self. What does that even mean? I've noticed that my habits and speech have, instead of maturing, slowly slid back to how I now imagine myself as a high school student. Suffice it to say, I hate it. And, that is how my life is so different from before my Gap year. While Gap years are intensive years of formation, whether Christian formation or just growing up in general, I think the real fruit isn't fully visible until a year or even years later.

Before I had left for that year of service, I did not really see or understand how inherently childish my actions were. Now, I am dissatisfied with my actions reverting back to how they had been before.

Before my time away, I never understood homesickness, the longing for familiarity of life. Now, I long for home, understanding that home is not just where you have been born and raised.

Before, I hardly considered the lifelong consequences of seemingly little life decisions. Now, I look ahead, anticipating what kind of differences I can make in my life by choosing for the Lord in my daily life, instead of just doing what I want.

Before my Gap year, I assumed that my life was difficult because it had to be that way. Now, I understand that I make my life more difficult, mostly due to the fact that being an active Christian is much more challenging than giving in to live the easy life this world has to offer.


Kate, really though, what does ANY of that have to do with feeling stuck?

Before my Gap year, I wasn't ok with settling. However, what I didn't realize is that I settled constantly. I never challenged myself, only others and other institutions. Now, I challenge myself as well. I still have yet to figure out an appropriate level of challenge and acceptance, but I think that one is a long time coming. Nonetheless, the challenger in me has recognized the settled spirit I've come accustomed to having been back in Lansing all year.

Simply put, I want change.

Have you ever felt like change is coming? It's almost like a storm. You can start to see the clouds forming. There's a staleness in the air before the storm winds come. The calm before the storm. Except, the difference here is that I'm inviting the storm. I'm inviting the storm to whip around me, challenging me to hang on to my roots, my beliefs, my faith.

Within the next 7 weeks or so, my life will be consumed with activity. I am helping to lead a high school girls' mission trip to Detroit, helping to lead a service team of high school girls at a summer camp, attending 2 weddings, participating as a Maid of Honor in another wedding, preparing to move into a house with some friends for next school year, getting ready to transfer to MSU for university next fall, all while maintaining a part time job.

I know the Lord is going to work during that time. I am excited to see how.